Having some back-pocket strategies for when you get triggered as a leader can help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. When you get triggered as a leader, it can feel like you’re falling short. But the truth is, it’s a common experience. In fact, I’m hearing this more and more as leaders are facing faster change, greater uncertainty, and having to navigate not only their emotions but the strong emotions of their employees.
You might feel your face getting hot and red, your heartbeat speeding up, hands turning into fists, jaw clenching, throat tightening, knees tensing, or some other familiar sensation. This is your body telling you have some emotions that need listening to. In the moment, you might not have access to your thinking brain to hear the wisdom of your emotions, though, and you need some quick strategies to give you the space to collect yourself.
Here are some simple “back pocket” strategies you can use in the moment:
Take a Pause
The first step is to create a brief pause so you can respond rather than react. This interrupts the automatic reaction and gives you a moment to collect yourself.
- Take a deep breath or several deep breaths. Counting to 4 on the inhale and 7 on the exhale can quickly calm the nervous system.
- Count to 10 slowly in your head. Even better, count backwards from 10 to refocus your brain.
- Mentally say “stop” or “pause” to yourself. You might follow this with, “I want to respond rather than react.”
Ground Yourself in the Present Moment
Quickly grounding yourself in the present moment can help diffuse emotional intensity.
- Name 5 things you can see around you. Even more powerful is to follow this with 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
- Squeeze and release your fists a few times. Shaking them too can calm the nervous system by literally “shaking it off.”
- Focus on your feet on the floor or your body in the chair, take a sip of cold water, smell something calming like lavender, or hold onto a soothing object like a rock in your pocket.
Take a Time Out
If possible, briefly remove yourself from the triggering situation:
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom
- Step outside for a few minutes of fresh air
- Say you need a moment and will return shortly
Reduce the Pressure to Have an Immediate Response
Some people think better under pressure than others (and there is nothing wrong with you if you don’t!). Feeling the need to have a quick response to something can be like adding another brick to the already very heavy load. If the time out isn’t doing it enough, try:
- “Thank you for that information. I need to sit with it or think about it. I’ll get back to you [at some specific time later that day or another day]”
- “Wow, that is a lot I just heard from you. Let me reflect back what I’m hearing you say.” This can give you a moment where you don’t have to respond, and can also help you see something from someone else’s perspective.
- “I’m feeling a strong reaction to what you’re saying and need to check in with myself before proceeding. Can we come back to this [at some identified later time]? “
Employ Words/Phrases That Can Invite Curiosity
Certain words can remind you, and shift your brain, to a place where you aren’t so attached to the outcome:
- “Yes, and” is a powerful one! It allows for the possibility that you and another have different pieces of a puzzle and two seemingly at-odds perspectives might actually create some new greater possibility.
- “Maybe” or “Interesting” can shift you out of yes/no, right/wrong thinking and remind you there might be a different way of looking at things than you currently are.
- What better way to invite curiosity than ask a question! It might sound something like, “I’m not sure I understand what you are saying, can you say more?”
Use a Mantra or Affirmation
Having a go-to phrase can help center and calm you:
- “I can handle this.”
- “This feeling will pass.”
- “I choose to respond calmly.”
Reframe Your Thoughts
Shift your perspective to view the situation more objectively:
- Ask yourself “Is this really as big a deal as it feels right now?” Remind yourself that emotions pass within a couple of minutes if you don’t get caught up in the story around them.
- Consider “How might I view this situation in a week or a month?”
- Open up options and possibility by asking, “What are other ways of looking at this?”
Express Yourself Calmly
If you need to respond, try to do so in a measured way:
- Take a breath before speaking.
- Speak slowly and softly.
- Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
By having these strategies at the ready, you can create space between the trigger and your response, allowing you to act more intentionally rather than reactively. To show up as the emotionally intelligent leader you want to be, focus on practicing one of these back-pocket strategies one at a time and see what works best for you. With practice, reaching for these techniques can become more automatic and you might even notice that you are increasingly capable of showing up more fully in challenging situations.